How my strong willed child changed everything I thought I knew about motherhood

I’m sharing a big piece of my heart today that I hope many mommas can relate to.

From the moment we found out we were expecting our sweet second child, Eli has turned what I thought I knew about motherhood completely upside down. We found out I was pregnant with Eli when first baby was just over a year old. Right when things were starting to get a little easier and I felt like I had my life under control again. 😉 While Caleb was born two weeks early, Eli arrived in his own time. Three days after his due date, two days after Christmas. My doctor was so sure that he would be early, that I bought him Christmas outfits that were never worn.  I didn’t know it then, but that initial stubborn streak was our first clue to what our sweet boy had in store for us.

When I worried about loving a second child the way I loved my first, Eli changed that the moment I laid eyes on him. When I worried about balancing a career and two very young children at home, my maternity leave with Eli brought me such immense joy that I knew my career had taken a backseat and for the first time, I was perfectly okay with that. When I worried about how Caleb would feel about another tiny human coming into our family, Eli made it impossible for us all not to completely fall in love with him and forget what life was like before.

My sweet go with the flow baby, slowly grew into a very opinionated, affectionate, and strong-willed toddler. Eli showed us (and our pediatrician) that he absolutely could meet milestones at the traditional times, however he wouldn’t until he decided he was ready to.

I attempted to parent my second child the same way that I parented my first. I struggled to find a way to encourage him to do things like I thought he should. I heard so much talk about a ‘strong willed child’ but assured myself that was not what we were dealing with. That term sounded so negative and my sweet boy was anything but. At some point I reached such a level of frustration that I wasn’t getting through to him that I read article after article about how to parent a ‘strong willed child’. I thought about him and worried about him all the time.

At a Church picnic one day, I was talking to a fellow mama of four born close together and we were commiserating over our ‘difficult child’. The one we struggle with and stay up late at night worrying about. She said that she thought she and her child butted heads often because they are so much alike. I realized then that I think the reason I struggle sometimes with being the mother Eli needs is because we are so different. Caleb and I are so much the same that I understand his feelings, his disappointments and what he needs from me. Eli thinks and feels differently than I do and I don’t innately know how to relate to him.

He’s stubborn like his Daddy. He is enthusiastic about everything and finds great joy in the tiny things. He loves SO fiercely. He is so independent that he scares me and I think his biggest wish in the world is that he would wake up tomorrow the same age as his older brother. He acts and speaks without thinking and goes a million miles an hour at all times. He’s joyful and loud and leaves a trail of toys and goldfish wherever he goes. He jumps into new things without a second thought or worry about the unknown. In other words, he is NOTHING like me.

I finally realized (in an Oprah-type lightbulb moment) that it wasn’t him that needed to change – it was me. He’s not only nothing like me, he is nothing like his big brother. He’s uniquely Eli. As it should be! From that moment on, I tried to try to be the mother that Eli needed and I stepped back and let him be who he is. And you know what? I don’t think it changed him but it absolutely changed me.

Eli has taught me to to let go. That’s it’s okay to lose control in every sense of the phrase – from dancing crazy in the kitchen after dinner and letting those dirty dishes sit to not needing to micromanage every piece of our lives. That you need to pick your battles and trust God that you are picking the right ones to let slide and the right ones to fight. That life doesn’t need to be so serious and moments of pure unfiltered joy should be experienced daily. That sometimes you just need to jump and experience and enjoy – and not think so darn much about it all the time.

It took me awhile to realize that my job as his mother wasn’t to try to change him to fit the mold. Yes there are things I have to put my foot down on. We have to wear pants when we leave the house (we just do!), his feet can in fact walk and not run at times, there are times we can be loud and crazy and there are times we need to slow down and listen, AND one cannot sustain themselves on goldfish and blueberries alone. My job as his mother is to encourage and nurture and accept the parts that don’t fit the mold. And I started to be excited that he doesn’t fit, because that is Eli. The things he will do in his life will be amazing and THAT is something I’m sure of.

I will always love him unconditionally but I’m also learning to love him for who he is right now not who I think he should be. He has the biggest smile that lights up his whole face. He is the first one (and sometimes only one) of my children to notice when I’ve done my hair or put on a real shirt and makes sure to tell me I’m beautiful every. single. time. He is full of such joy that his enthusiasm can break through your hardest day.

Hardly ever do we get to really see God’s whole plan for us or can even attempt to understand it. He knew what our family needed when we didn’t and I think Eli was the one I most NEEDED. For me to become the mother He knew I could be. Each of my four children need different things from me and I learn different things from each of them. But my beautiful, strong willed, sweet, ‘most difficult’ child? Eli has taught me the most.

What has been the most valuable lesson that your children have taught you?

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