About a month ago, I included my feelings on World Prematurity Day in my November WUW post. Looking at those pictures brought back so many memories of that time in our lives and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it! Today the older boys and I made some Christmas cards to send to families with babies currently in the NICU. I know firsthand how isolating it can feel when life goes on around you but you feel just stuck and helpless. These families and sweet babies are in my prayers this holiday season.

Thinking so much these past few weeks about our experience after our twins were born gave me today’s Twin Tuesday post. I’m going to share the things we learned while we were there that helped us get through our experience in the NICU. While our babies were only there for a short time in comparison to babies born much earlier, I hope that the things we learned will help other mommas facing a similar situation. Please know that you are NOT alone. This is part of my Twin Tuesday series but whether you have one baby or two or more, this is for you!

It’s okay to not be okay.

I woke up the morning before our babies were born at 35w4d with no signs of labor, assuming that they were in the same optimal position they had been in to try a vaginal birth. I went to work just like always and around 11:00, I just started feeling weird. I worked at a hospital so I walked over to labor and delivery just in case. Our babies were born via c-section and whisked away from me for emergency medical care accompanied by my husband by 2:25pm. I was so completely unprepared for every moment of that almost 3 1/2 hours.

Now, coming down from post-partum twin hormones is NO joke paired with struggling to come to terms with an unexpected c-section and the fact that my babies were not with me. I spent the first few days in pretty much constant tears. My twins were my third and fourth babies so I knew how to be a mom and I knew what to do after my babies were born. But this situation was so far out of my control, I literally just didn’t know what to do. It was really, really hard.

It wasn’t until weeks later after our babies were home that I was talking to one of my neighbors and she innocently asked how I was doing with everything. I said I was doing “just fine!” through tears. (Lies. ALL lies.) She said “It’s okay to grieve the birth experience you thought you would have. It’s okay.” And I realized then that’s exactly what it was.

I was so sad that the birth my doctor and I had hoped for went out the window with no warning. I was so sad that I wasn’t able to be the first one to hold my babies after they were born. I was so sad that I didn’t get to place them on my chest and look at their tiny fingers. Yes, I was unbelievably grateful for the immediate care they received. Those doctors literally saved their lives. But it was okay to grieve the loss of the birth and the days following that I had hoped for. If you have those feelings too – it’s okay to grieve that loss.

Ask questions!

When members of your health care team are in the room, ask your questions! If they say something you don’t understand, ask. If you don’t know what one of the monitors or machines do, ask! It’s incredibly intimidating to walk into a room full of machines helping your baby but understanding what they each did helped me feel better.

I became overwhelmed with all the different stats they would collect and possible problems they would find on a daily basis. We found it so helpful to be in the room when the healthcare team came around for rounds so that we could hear the report and know what questions to ask.  I became close with one of the residents on our team and asked her to explain what each thing meant and what that potential problem or success would mean for us. It helped me process what was going on and feel more involved in their care.

Mom as much as you can

For the first few days when I would visit Reid, I mostly sat in a chair and watched him. It was such a weird feeling to have to ask someone else for permission to hold your own child. One of the night nurses asked me if I wanted to change his diaper but I was nervous about all the cords and monitors. She taught me how to move everything properly and how to hold him when I wanted to. She said that as nurses they love when parents get involved and honestly, I didn’t know I could! From then on, I changed his diaper whenever we were there, Josh or I tried to be there for every feeding and I cuddled him every chance I got.

I immediately started feeling like his mother again doing those simple tasks to care for him. It helped us bond and helped my mindset so much. Certainly it depends what level NICU your child is at but ask the nurses what you can do to help. Ask them to teach you!

Take care of yourself

I know this one is hard. I sucked at it. Try to remember to take care of yourself too. Drink water. Eat something that isn’t donuts. Take a breath for a few minutes. Rest when you can – especially if you’ve had a c-section. Your healthcare team is there for you. Trust them to take care of your babies when you leave the hospital or try to get some rest. Our hospital had a phone number that we could call to check on our babies or tell them that we would be there for the next feeding. Ask if your hospital has something like that.

You have babies to take care of but you can’t do it running on empty all the time. You’re a better momma and better able to handle this emotional situation when you take care of yourself too.

Take advantage of family programs

Our NICU offered a lounge for parents with good snacks, couches and a tv. They had signs for support groups, free meals and they would give you a free pass for the parking garage. We didn’t know about some of these things until Reid was almost discharged so ASK! If your hospital offers some of these things, don’t be afraid to use them. In these difficult situations, every tiny helping hand makes a difference.

Allow other people in

Having your brand new baby in the NICU can be all consuming and no one really understands what it is like until faced with that situation. I found it exhausting to explain the details to anyone what was going on so I just didn’t. I thought it would be easier but in the end it was actually incredibly isolating. By not letting anyone in on what was going on, I had to bear the burden and stress alone.

When Luke was released to come home and was having trouble gaining weight, my doctor talked about him being readmitted to the hospital. I reached a total breaking point and called my mom to unload. It helped me so much that I started calling her multiple times a day when we would have updates. It’s not like she could really do anything to make the situation better but just knowing someone else was thinking about us and praying for the specific problem changed everything for me.

Let people in. Lean on your spouse and support system and try to talk about how you are feeling. They can’t completely understand but having people in your corner makes a big difference.

That’s Twin Tuesday for today! There is so many things on my prayer list these days, but those strong NICU mama bears are sure towards the top.

For more Twin Tuesday topics, check out:

How to live life with newborn twins

How to include older siblings when you have infant twins

Preparing for your twins

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Happy Twin Tuesday to you! Today, I’m offering my tips on how to include older siblings when you have infant twins!

Bringing home twins is an adjustment for everyone, especially younger kiddos who really had no idea of what to expect or knew what bringing home a new baby (or two!) really means. We dealt with some growing pains for sure when we brought our babies home, especially when one of our twins was able to come home from the NICU a full week before the other and we were running back and forth all the time. Our 2 1/2 year old dealt with his changing position in the family by running around the house screaming at all hours, refusing to nap and forgetting what a toliet was used for. It was a pleasant time that I look back on fondly.

It was a crazy few weeks while we worked out our kinks but we eventually figured out ways to include our older children and encourage them to embrace the new changes in our family . I hope some of these tips will help you from the beginning so your growing pains will be smaller and shorter than they were for our family!

• Before the twin arrive, buy your older child a special gift that you give them when the babies get home from the hospital. We made a really big deal about this ‘big brother’ gift and about how the gift was just for big kids not for babies. We put together big brother shirts, a few books, and some toys we knew they had been wanting that would keep them busy. When I was nursing the babies or we were getting them ready for a nap or bed and needed them to play quietly, we would encourage Caleb and Eli to get out their ‘big brother presents’.

• Involve older siblings as much as you can and encourage them to be ‘big helpers’!. Right away when the babies come home, this can be more challenging because they aren’t old enough to really interact yet. We encouraged our older boys to help by bringing us things like diapers or wipes during diaper changes, reading them books or showing them toys when they were in a bouncer and even singing to them or rocking them gently in their rock n’ plays when they were fussy. As they got older and were able to interact more, Caleb and Eli loved to play with the babies without any prompting and worked for their smiles every chance they got.

• While you work on your new normal, don’t be afraid to do what works for you. We were very lucky that Josh was able to take two weeks off work when the babies came. By the time Reid came home from the hospital, we only had a few days left with him before he had to go back and I was alone with four kids all day and recovering from a c-section. It didn’t take me long before I realized that the only way I was going to survive was to relax our screen time and snack time parameters for awhile until I got into a routine on my own. We were absolutely in survival mode and it was okay if watching a show and having a snack would allow me a moment to tandem nurse our twins and breathe for a moment. Once we got in a better routine, we scaled back to normal again.

• Our pediatrician gave me some invaluable advice right after our twins were born. She said that if more than one child needs you at the same time (assuming no one is hurt or in dire need for some other reason) it is better to attend to the needs of your toddler/child first and let the babies fuss for a moment while everyone is getting adjusted. She said that in this state of change, your child needs to know that the babies do not threaten or change the relationship between the two of you and their needs are not pushed aside. The babies will never know or remember that they waited an extra moment to have your attention but your child will. I tried to remember this when I felt overwhelmed when everyone was crying at the same time!

• I think this tip is one of the most important that we didn’t realize. Try your best to keep life and routines as normal as possible for your older children. After our twins were born, in our minds we were just trying to survive the first few weeks and start to learn life with 4 kids. We looked forward to a time where it felt like things were settled down and we could be normal again. We were dealing with tantrums and attitudes we had never dealt with before from our 4 and 2 year olds and I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. One day when our 4 year-old had a massive meltdown because I picked him up after pre-k, he said ‘Daddy used to pick me up and we don’t do anything we used to do anymore!’ and I realized how true that actually was. I didn’t realize how many little things we had changed because we were trying to survive and what an impact those small things had on our kids. From that moment on we did our best to do the old normal as best we could. Josh went back to picking Caleb up from school, we started going on evening walks as a family again, had Friday night movie nights and I read bedtime stories like we used to (instead of Josh). The change in attitude and joy in our kids was immediate and amazing.

• Take your older kids for one-on-one time whenever you can. After the tip about keeping routines up, this is the other one that we weren’t doing from the beginning that made the most difference for us. Eli had some struggles adjusting to not being the baby anymore, but taking him to run errands and get groceries with me so I could have some one-on-one time with my big boy was a game changer. We still do it now and it’s a special time we can talk and share a secret Starbucks treat for just him and I.

• Be patient with them past the point that you would normally be in all areas. Their whole world has flipped upside down and while you know there will be a time very soon that things will settle down, they don’t have enough perspective to know that. Cut them some slack while everyone is getting adjusted.

• Encourage them to bond with their siblings and talk to them about how special having a sibling is. We found that reading books about being an older sibling really helped them understand and love the idea of being big brothers. Some of our favorites were:

God Gave Us Two – by Lisa Tawn Bergren

Big Brother Daniel – Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood

I’m a Big Brother – by Joanna Cole

(For more books about twins, see last week’s Twin Tuesday post here.)

I hope these tips help you adjust to your new family dynamic! And remember. This craziness will get back to ‘normal’ soon. It doesn’t feel easy because it’s not easy! You were chosen to be a twin mom for a reason.

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